When I started medical school, the extra-curricular activities were restricted to a week of sports and some theatrical performances. There was a primitive ‘Quiz’ society, and a nascent debating society. Appointments to those societies were made based on seniority rather than merit. The winning teams were also usually selected based on seniority. That was always something that made me angry. Why should the senior-most class win every sports competition and everything else? I was too low on the totem pole to do anything about it, so I did what I know best. I wrote a screenplay about it, that was performed at the farewell party of the first graduating class (I was in the fifth batch).
Early on in fourth year of medical school (January 2010), one of my juniors approached me with a proposition. He wanted me to take part in a state-wide Quiz competition that was being held at a historic and famous liberal arts college. I said yes almost immediately. I had always been interested in such competitions and had won a national collegiate quiz competition when I was in high school. I ended up winning the interstate competition that year. Someone mentioned this to our Principal at the time, who invite me and my quiz partner for a ‘congratulatory’ tea at his office. At that time, the quiz society was still controlled by ‘seniors’ who had no actual experience running an extra-curricular society or winning a competition. I vowed to change that***.
As a result, I gathered some enthusiastic juniors and we built up the society from scratch. We organized a national quiz competition, inviting teams from all over the country, got a sponsor and pulled off a great, entertaining show. Eventually, we won a few competitions ourselves and started sending interested med students to different venues and they shined bright as well, winning silverware. Our group included five boys and three girls. All of them were from the same batch while I was 2 years senior to them. I was their senior, their friend and confidant. We used to have good fun alongside work. Once I graduated, there were a few fissures between the group but they acted the same with me at least. One of those girls was Maira.
She and I were like the rest of the group, texted occasionally, chatted on Facebook sometimes and so on. We exchanged thousands of messages on Facebook, texting about anything and everything. She liked Turkey and Turkish culture. We talked about choosing different careers, about history, politics and the different extra-curricular clubs that we were part of. I used to jokingly refer to her as ‘the Queen’ because she was of Mughal ancestry. She introduced the squad to one of her male friends that I referred to as ‘Dreamy Boy’ at some point (he looked high when I met him, thus the name). She once told me that I spent a ‘regimented’ life, which was true, another time she said I was very ‘crisp and brisk’. She once told me that Dreamy Boy and I were quite alike. When I was in my final year, I attended her birthday party at the nearby McDonald’s, opposite our college) alongside the group and her father. I went to college that day specifically to give her "Our lady of Alice Bhatti" (by my favorite Pakistani writer, Mohammad Hanif) which she wanted to read. During my house job/internship, she visited me in different clinical wards where I worked and I taught her some basic medical procedures in the ER. She was one of the 4-5 people whom I invited to my 25th birthday, that fell during my internship. One of my three-month blocks during internship was in Urology, and our Department Chair was her maternal uncle (Mamu), a thorough gentleman. I brought gifts for the group whenever I went abroad in 2011-13.
I used to go to different events (Lahore Literaty Festival, International Book Fair, Social Sciences weekend at LUMS etc) during my time in Lahore, and she used to say “mujhe bhi bataya karen aise events ka” (Please tell me when/where those events are happening). I was engaged at that time. After my internship, I attended an event organized by the dramatic society (Maira was the president for that society at the time). Then my then-fiancee was visiting from Faisalabad and I took her to that event at my med school and introduced my squad to her. Maira thought her facial features (esp the nose) were very pretty. I moved to Sialkot after my year-long internship in June 2013 and didn't see much of my quiz group for the next year and a half. Meanwhile, I was "disengaged" and there was immense pressure on me by my parents to find ‘someone’ (that story is long and would be addressed in a separate post). Sometime in March/April 2014 (the squad members graduated that year and started their internship), I saw some photos of Maira at farewell parties which got me thinking. “Dude, this girl is awesome. She's smart, pretty, artistic, adventurous and knows me well. What could go wrong! ”.
I hadn't had much contact with her since my disengagement, because she was busy studying for the finals. I tried to reconnect. A month after her finals, whenever I visited Lahore, I took time to see her at the hospital (where she was doing her internship ). I had worked at two of the wards she chose for her rotations, so I was familiar with the staff there. During a short period of time (April-Sep 2014) we hung out many times. We went to have slushies from nearby market, had lunch at Subway a week before my FCPS part 1 exam, met the day I was leaving for Turkey (we discussed Turkey, her desire to move abroad and her choice for post-graduation) and the day I came back. I brought a cologne for her from Turkey. Later, I took some baklava (Turkish sweet) for her, and another time I shared some jellybeans that one of my friends brought from the US (I had a whole loving jellybeans phase).
Her birthday was on September 7th and I had planned to be in Lahore a day earlier (as 7th felt on a Sunday), but it was not to be. There was massive flooding in Sialkot and I couldn’t even leave the house. I went the next week, took her out to lunch at Sweet Affairs, a cutesy bakery/pizza place. We shared anecdotes about the wards both of us had worked in. Afterwards, I dropped her off at the hospital and gave her a birthday card. She was surprised (as i hadn't told her that it was a "birthday lunch" per se). Inside the envelope, along side the card was a 3-page letter. In that letter I had explained the evolution of my feelings towards her, and asked her if we could be together.
I got really scared after I dropped her off. I had a lot of intrusive thoughts afterwards. I knew I was about to torpedo a good friendship, which I had mentioned in the letter. What if she said NO straight away, what if she gave that letter to her relatives who were on the way to rough me up, what if, what if. Too many What Ifs. I felt like I had removed a part of my body and given it away to someone and I had no control over it henceforth. Anyhow, I kept waiting for a stern text or a surprised call or a Facebook message. Nothing came. Until a few weeks later. I was shit-scared and didn't have enough courage to read her Facebook message for about two hours afterwards. When I finally read it, it was about a medical textbook that she had forgotten in my car. I said I'll deliver it to her the next day. I went and saw her the next day in emergency ward, she behaved like usual, like nothing had happened. She was on duty alongside two other female doctors. Those two were my former classmates in med school. I sat there and talked for 40-45 minutes, mostly with the classmates,reminiscing about our shared memories,discussing future plans, and progress of our other classmates.
When I was leaving, I called her to a side and asked if she had read my card, she half-smiled and said, yes. I left by saying "I'll wait for your response". She was wearing purple that day, so later I messaged "purple is my favorite color". No reply. Next day i texted something related to her future plans (she wanted to specialize in plastic surgery) and she replied to my Facebook message:
“Hi. First of all, I’m sorry for replying late. My phone's LCD has artistically cracked after landing viciously on CCU’s (Cardiac Care Unit) floor. The chocolate was high-class (cannot find the right adjective ). I’m not a big fan of chocolate, but Butler’s (a shop in Lahore) was definitely high-class. Thanks.
Umm I don’t know how to say it but the ghissi pitti (hackneyed) line " mene kbi aese socha nai " makes sense (I cannot comprehend the idea of you and me together).
You and I are so different. You said we shared similar dreams. I think you don’t even know me. I never opened up to you. I always talked to you as a friend and a colleague and someone who was different enough , mature and well mannered enough to go out with at times, to joke around with, and also because I thought you needed a friend after all you’ve been through. I certainly wasn’t expecting us to end up like this. You met me before you flew off to Turkey, you met me right after you landed, you bought me delicacies, you asked me to meet you more than usual. All this arose my suspicion but I disregarded it because I thought we were two different (different from the usual lot of people I mean) people being friendly. I should have known and played better. I respect the feelings you have. I cannot explain how I feel, but I am sorry for saying that it’s not possible. I hope you find someone who truly shares your dreams and motivations .. you deserve that! and don’t you ever succumb to your parents decision if it doesn’t include you will. I am sorry. I wish u knew how much it hurts me to say all this to you.”
This was 9 years ago. She got married to ‘Dreamy boy’, who is/was recently a resident physician in New Orleans. They had a baby earlier this year.
*** I was able to change it for at least the time I was in-charge. Under my watch, the team that won on their merit was declared the winner, and no ‘fudging’ was done.